And then there were two.

After the latest weekend of action, the number of winless teams in MLS has been cut in half, from four to two. New York and Dallas finally tasted victory in their fifth game of the season. Fans of both teams can finally crack a smile.

Columbus and Los Angeles are now the only two winless teams in MLS. Landon Donovan has to be growing increasingly frustrated with each opportunity wasted by his teammates, and Columbus keeps glancing at the door, hoping Sigi Schmid comes back to them in a touching re-enactment of "Homeward Bound".

As Rick Pitino might say, "Sigi Schmid isn't walking through that door!"

Last week's rankings in parenthesis

1. Chivas USA (1)

Chivas asserted their dominance over the rest of the league with a 2-0 win over Seattle. It wasn't pretty, as Chivas committed a staggering 18 fouls, and were outshot by five. But a win is a win, and they'll take it regardless of how it looked.

2. Chicago Fire (2)

Brian McBride took his one goal from last week and turned it into two this weekend. Unfortunately for McBride and his teammates, Chicago couldn't hold the lead and had to settle for a draw thanks to a late Josh Wolff brace.

3. DC United (8)

DC were this week's big movers thanks to a quality performance against New England. DC had six more shots on goal and four more corner kicks than the Revs, and would have taken home all three points if not for a Shalrie Joseph strike that came against the run of play. Christian Gomez looked very dangerous before limping off with an injury, and Ben Olsen turned in a very inspired performance.

4. New England Revolution (4)

New England was on the ropes for 90 minutes against DC and were lucky to come away with a draw. Some great saves out of Brad Knighton were the only thing keeping the match from turning into a blowout. They've got to get Taylor Twellman back from injury if they want to stay near the top of the East.

5. Kansas City Wizards (7)

The Davy Arnaud and Josh Wolff combination has looked like it might be enough to get KC into the playoffs these last few weeks. They're providing a great deal of offense and have carried the team to points when the defense has let them down.

6. Seattle Sounders FC (3)

That's two losses in a row for the surprise package of the early season. Even worse, that's two straight shutout losses in a row. But, if Fredy Montero keeps taking five shots a game like he did against Chivas, the offense will get back on track sooner rather than later.

7. Real Salt Lake (5)

Any way you slice it, the loss to New York was a bad one. They've looked very energetic and aggressive in their two victories this season, and very lethargic in their two losses. Everybody's preseason MLS Cup dark horse needs to bring more consistency to the park if they want to make those predictions come true.

8. Colorado Rapids (6)

Conor Casey really can't be missing penalties. He's got over half of Colorado's goals this season and really has to put opportunities like that away if they want to erase last year's memory of narrowly missing the playoffs.

9. San Jose Earthquakes (9)

San Jose shouldn't be too discouraged by their draw with LA, as they were missing a key part of their attack in Darren Huckerby. Bobby Convey is staying healthy so far and starting to shake some of the rust off. And, it's not entirely unexpected for a recent expansion team to continue suffering some growing pains into their second season.

10. Houston Dynamo (13)

Some great work by Pat Onstad earned Houston their first win of 2009. After blocking a Conor Casey penalty, he blocked Terry Cooke's rebound attempt. Houston will also be encouraged by Brian Ching opening his goalscoring account for 2009.

11. New York Red Bulls (14)

New York got their first win of the season with a comfortable victory over Real Salt Lake. Macoumba Kandji opened the scoring in the second minute, with Juan Pablo Angel capping it off in the second half. Finally, a good 90 minutes out of last year's losing MLS Cup finalists.

12. FC Dallas (15)

Dallas finally turned in a quality offensive performance, putting three goals in the net against Toronto. Kenny Cooper looked very strong, like he's playing for a transfer elsewhere. Still, one win isn't going to be enough for this club to move up in the rankings. They've got to put together some consistency and show that their defense can keep an opponent out of the net.

13. Columbus Crew (11)

Columbus was idle this week. They've got to play Chicago this weekend though, and that will make it tough for them to get their first win.

14. Toronto FC (8)

Last week, a late FC Dallas goal denied Toronto all three points. This week, another late FC Dallas goal denied Toronto any points. TFC needs to find some defense, and fast.

15. LA Galaxy (12)

LA still can't figure things out, and Bruce Arena's seat has to be growing warmer. One positive: they've got Gregg Berhalter in the back line, and he returns from a one-game red card suspension next week.

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Welcome to my first smear.  Much like Scott from Season 5 of The Wire, I’ve been promoted due to general incompetence and flat-out lies.  Now, just like Scott, I want my Pulitzer.  You hear me, Houston Press?  Rookie Blogger of the Quarter or some such.  Why an award for validation?  Because the Jesus pieces can’t give me peace.  Sorry, Moose Knuckle, you’re ruled ineligible due to the fact that you only cover one sport and Jon Lovitz is the “master” of that “sport.” 

Here are your local H-Town sports updates. 

Texans

With one week until the draft, Gary Kubiak is doing important and timely things like giving coaching clinics in Colorado.  While he was there, he also pre-drafted seven Colorado State players and traded for three Broncos.  Says Kubiak, “It’s what I was going to do anyway.  Colorado for life, son.”

We can neither confirm nor deny that Kubiak did or said these things.  But would it really surprise anyone if he had?

Rockets

I'm telling everyone who picked or bet against them to “STFU.”  Well, everyone except babies.  Apparently Joe Pryzbilla wanted to guard Yao one on one (Even Mrs. Pryzbilla thinks that is a bad idea.  Joel Pryzbilla would have a bearded wife).  It is indeed “on your shoulders,” you Full Metal Jacket-looking mope.  Next smackdown is Tuesday night, which is way past the Random Baby's Bedtime.  

Comets

Still dead. If you get sentimental thinking about Tina Thompson, here are some nostalgic pics.

Astros

They Lost 4-2 to the Reds (from Cincinnati, not Russia). They play the Reds again tonight, which will probably give Reginald Blackstone another ulcer.  In other news, apparently the Astros have already started into “no one believes in us” mode.  The problem is that this tactic only works if the team doesn’t suck.  They have no pitching, subpar defense, and a lack of timely hitting.  I’d be more worried if someone did believe in them. 

Aeros

The Aeros are up 2-1 over the Peoria Rivermen, which makes sense when you think about the team nicknames.  Aeros are dive bombers and Rivermen are the guys who drink moonshine and paddle up and down the river like Huck Finn. Let’s just hope that the next series isn’t against the Ft. Lauderdale Anti-Aircraft Defense Systems.  And boom goes the dynamite.  What's the best part about going to an Aeros game?   Yelling, “Hey, Rivermen.  Puck you!”  One could do that tonight at 7:05 pm at the Toyota Center.  It's the best $10 you’ll ever spend on this side of the border.     

Dynamos

The Dynamos beat the Colorado Rapids 1-0 on a Brian Ching goal at the 20th minute. The Rapids had more yellow cards (three) than shots on goal (two).  Come on, Colorado, yellow cards are like getting to second base with a lady-friend.  Grow a pair or don’t come to Club Robertson Stadium anymore. 

University of Houston

Coogs baseball team beat Memphis 8-5.  Next up is the Random Baby Momma’s first college, Stephen F. Austin.  We’re only 30 games under 500—bad year for Houston baseball.  

Rice University

Breaking News – Rice Girls Are Ugly. Actually, that isn’t so breaking.  Here is Rice admitting it.  Us cool dudes at Fourth and Fifty actually make Rice Girls Are Ugly t-shirts every year for the Nerd Bowl.  You will see from the wikipedia page that UH wins this matchup at a robust 250 percent clip.  

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During the 2009 season, more MLS stars will be playing for a transfer abroad than ever before. As the league's profile has risen, players have been snapped up by bigger teams. Last year saw the departure of three of MLS' brightest stars as Maurice Edu, Brad Guzan and Jozy Altidore all left for the greener pastures of European football.

Which MLS talents could be on their way out the door this season?

Landon Donovan

For years, Donovan has been the face of American soccer. He's the leading goalscorer in US National Team history and is a five-time winner of the Honda Player of the Year award. Donovan even spent time on loan with Bayern Munich earlier in 2009, but has since returned to MLS.

Donovan is a player who has made no secret of his desire to return to Europe to test his skills. He has accomplished everything in MLS and has nothing left to prove on this side of the pond.

There is the unfortunate matter of two previous unproductive stints in Europe. His first, with Bayer Leverkusen, ended in failure due to inconsistent playing time and a definite lack of mental toughness. Donovan wasn't yet prepared for the physical and mental rigors of European football.

The second stint, with Bayern Munich, was unproductive because Donovan found it so difficult to break into that lineup. How do you make room for another offensive talent on the pitch when you already have Luca Toni, Miroslav Klose and Lucas Podolski on the books? You don't, and that's why Donovan is back in the States.

Donovan's contract is up at the end of this season, which bodes well for him. For the first time in years he'll have plenty of control over where he ends up. Rather than aiming for a spot with an elite European club, Donovan may be lured in by the promise of regular minutes with a mid-table club.

It's also worth keeping in mind that Donovan is only 27 and has never really suffered from any serious injury problems. If he plays up to his full potential, he could be a steal for any club.

Probability of leaving: Highly likely

Taylor Twellman

The face of the New England Revolution, Twellman's window of opportunity probably slammed shut when MLS rejected a $2.5 million bid by Preston North End in 2008. Also hurting his case is the long-term deal he signed with the league. He still has multiple years left on his contract and both New England and MLS will be very reluctant to give him up.

Of course, there's the distinct possibility that the club won't even have to deny a single suitor. There aren't many European teams out there willing to take a flier on an injury-prone 29-year old American whose asking price is probably unrealistically high.

Probability of leaving: Not gonna happen

Sacha Kljestan

Kljestan is an interesting player whose stock has been on the rise since the Beijing Olympics. After turning in a great performance in Beijing, he netted a hat trick against Sweden in January to put himself firmly in the transfer rumours.

Aside from Donovan, Kljestan is the MLS player that probably came closest to a pre-season move away from the league. He trained with Scottish champions Celtic in January, and they actually made MLS an offer. The two sides couldn't come to an agreement on the financial terms of the deal, but Celtic's interest was legitimate.

With a good season for Chivas USA in 2009, Kljestan could draw a sizable offer from Celtic or another European club.

Probability of leaving: Likely

Kenny Cooper

With the way FC Dallas has played so far in 2009, Cooper is probably wishing that he had left last season. Last July, Cardiff City made a £2 million offer for Cooper, and Rosenborg offered a salary of $1.2 million. Dallas turned the offers down, but they have kept coming.

In January, Cooper was linked to Hibernian F.C., and Eintracht Frankfurt have also supposedly shown interest.

Cooper will continue to be an intriguing prospect for European clubs. He's a big, powerful forward with a good footballing pedigree. He trained in the Manchester United youth system and is the son of a former NASL goalkeeper.

Probability of leaving: Likely

Marvell Wynne

When you're lightning quick and just 22 years old, it's enough to make some European clubs take notice. He's another player that started showing flashes of his true potential during the Olympics and has been attracting interest from some smaller clubs.

Rumour has it that FC Groningen and Torino have expressed interest in Wynne's services.

But, Toronto is trying to build a winner and Wynne could be a big part of that, along with new signing Dwayne De Rosario. If TFC makes a push into the playoffs, they will likely try and keep the core of the club together.

Probability of leaving: Could depend on the results of TFC's season

Bobby Convey

It certainly seems like Convey has been around forever, hasn't it? That's why it might surprise you to learn that the midfielder is only 25 years old, two years younger than Landon Donovan.

Convey spent five seasons with Reading over in England, spending time in both the Coca-Cola Championship and the Premier League. He was an effective player when he managed to stay healthy enough to string together a few consecutive appearances, but that was a rarity at the end of his tenure.

In February, Convey was released and returned to MLS in an effort to revive both his club and international career.

What makes him intriguing is his track record of success and his youth. While Convey would never catch on with a big team like Manchester United or Real Madrid, there's no denying that he could play an important role for a club similar to Reading once again. His youth means that barring serious injury, he still has many years of quality football left to offer, as well.

But, it's hard to see him leaving San Jose so soon after his return. He's got to re-establish himself, to ease fears about his penchant for getting injured.

Probability of leaving: Unlikely

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I love soccer.  Ever since the World Cup in 2006 I have been in hooked on the Beautiful Game. It is by far the most popular sport played at any level on earth. And usually, the rest of my country falls in line with their international family every four years when the World Cup rolls around. The remaining time, however, I doubt many could care less.

No Respect

There really isn't a great deal of motivation to be a soccer fan in the U.S. First of all, domestic club games are rarely televised and even if they are you usually cannot view them with basic cable. 

International club teams are almost never seen on any cable channels, making it nearly impossible to watch the highest level of play. If you try to talk to other Americans about soccer the conversation usually quickly turns into a pissing contest, an argument as to whether or not soccer is a sport reserved for girls and pansies.

If you try to talk to other non-American soccer fans you are immediately looked down upon for being American because everyone knows Americans don't know anything about the sport, your opinion is thrown away as soon as you offer it, and besides, you don't even call the game by its true name. 

But still, I try to remain faithful.

When international club teams do manage to get some media attention stateside, it is almost exclusively for the English Premier League. This makes a life of devout fandom difficult for me specifically since I choose to follow Real Madrid in La Liga. 

My choice of club is admittedly somewhat arbitrary: My sister lived in Madrid when I was younger and she bought me a Real jersey. I didn't think much of it for many years until I saw a special on cable about the rivalry between Madrid and Barcelona. 

Since I already owned a Madrid jersey I chose their side and my support for them has grown ever since. 

Empathy and Superstars

Back in the U.S., most soccer fans try to support the competitive but not as prolific MLS, but the sport's inaccessibility, bad reputation, and lack of superstars ultimately prevents it from ever achieving any sort of real significance.

The LA Galaxy's signing of David Beckham did little to raise the profile of the league to the extent that they were hoping and it seems the only real way to raise the quality and interest in the U.S.'s domestic league would be to first achieve success at the international level.

Acceptable Tactics

During World Cup qualifying the United States had a nationally televised game against El Salvador. Surprisingly, El Salvador jumped out to a 2-0 lead early. Then, El Salvador tried everything they possibly could to keep the United States from building up any momentum.  Their main strategy seemed to be going down like a sack of potatoes any time an American player came within three feet of them. 

At least three El Salvadorian players were taken off the field on a stretcher after going down from seemingly benign tackles.  Despite this, the United States managed a draw and walk away with some dignity. 

While it was happening, while I watched El Salvador drop on the field like glorified rag dolls, I couldn't help but think that this is what Americans hate about soccer.

If the roles had been reversed and the Americans had jumped out to a two goal lead over a far superior team (let's say Brazil) and attempted to hold this lead by diving all over the pitch, American fans would have been ashamed. 

In a country where they say "no blood, no foul" we can not understand how it is acceptable for players to openly try to deceive the officials in order to win. One reason it angered me so much was because I knew that the game could have been so much better than what I saw, but what were those not as familiar with the sport thinking? It is this kind of representation of soccer that holds it back in the U.S.

There is a wealth of talent for soccer in the United States waiting to be tapped and it is only a matter of time before the U.S. finds its way as a legitimate contender on the world stage. With World Cup qualifying in full swing U.S. soccer fans will soon flock to their TVs to support the world's game once again.

Will next year be the time when soccer finally sticks for American sports fans? 

One thing is true, until American fans can embrace every part of the beautiful game and international soccer fans can bring themselves to accept them, soccer in the United States is going to be in for an uphill battle.

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Toronto FC meets Dallas tomorrow night at Pizza Hut Park, the first of three games TFC will contest in a week.  Then it's back home to play Chivas US on Wednesday night and the Kansas City Wizards a week from tomorrow to conclude a busy seven days.

For the most part, Toronto has had an encouraging start to the season—only one loss, unbeaten on the road, and three minutes away from a win last weekend.  However, it’s the last game against Dallas, which has started to concern fans in Southern Ontario.

The Dallas goal represented a return to last season, when TFC regularly conceded late goals and lost valuable points.  Toronto’s defence, which was upgraded in the offseason, should stop this from becoming a regular occurrence in 2009.  Stefan Frei is proving with every passing game he can become a top quality goalkeeper for the next 10 to 15 years.

The addition of Adrian Serioux from Dallas has added strength to the rearguard and the fullback positions are set with Jim Brennan and Marvell Wynne.  The only decision to make is who should partner Serioux in central defence.

Kevin Harmse has been getting the nod in recent games.  Given the recent spate of goals conceded, it’s time to give Marco Velez a regular run in the side.

One thing which would stop any late goals conceded from becoming an issue would be the other problem faced by the team—a lack of goals from the strikers.  Chad Barrett, Danny Dichio, and Pablo Vitti have yet to score this season.

Add to this the ongoing knee problem for O’Brian White, who has yet to play a minute in the regular season, and the front line is a concern.

As I have mentioned previously, I think it’s time for Barrett to be taken out of the lineup. 

Coach John Carver’s faith in the American is admirable.  However, all of the hard work in the world doesn’t change the fact that Barrett has been missing chances, which any striker worth his salt should be putting away.

Ironically enough, aside from White, the other injury concern facing Toronto, could be one which gives Barrett a stay of execution for at least one more match.  Dwayne De Rosario has been listed as questionable with a hamstring pull.

The Canadian international took part in his first training session of the week on Friday declaring himself fit.  However, hamstring injuries are notorious for being an ongoing problem if you try to return too early, and it may be best to start De Rosario on the bench.

FC Dallas has similar injury concerns to last weekend, save for Daniel Torres, who has recovered from a hamstring injury.  The team will be buoyed by securing their first point of the season and will look to win their first game of 2009.

As always, the main threat posed from Dallas will come from their MLS 2008 All-Star forward, Kenny Cooper.  Toronto did an excellent job of keeping him quiet in the 1-1 draw at BMO Field, and will need a similar effort in Texas to stop him influencing the game.

Toronto has never won in Dallas, losing 2-0 in their inaugural season, before improving with a 2-2 draw last year.  As much as Toronto needs a win, a draw is the best they can expect tomorrow night.

More Toronto FC at www.TOsports.ca

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MLS probably wouldn't exist today if not for the far-reaching influence of ESPN. Even the most bitter fan can't deny the positive influence that the Worldwide Leader has had on the Beautiful Game here in the States.

Without ESPN, established American stars like Landon Donovan and Tim Howard might be languishing in obscurity on a bench somewhere in Europe or playing big fish in the little pond that is the USL.

A young guy like Jozy Altidore might not be playing soccer at all. Without a domestic league to hone his considerable skill as a youngster, he might have turned his athletic ability to another sport.

And yet, I can't help but feel like things could be better.

Don't get me wrong, I love that ESPN has given so much money and exposure to the league. The TV deal that MLS has in place with ESPN has played no small part in making most of the league's franchises profitable.

MLS gets $8 million per year from the TV deal, a serious chunk of change for a league still in its infancy.

Primetime television broadcasts have also given the league a chance to sell itself to ESPN's considerable viewership. TV ratings were disappointingly low for the 2008 Thursday Game of the Week broadcasts, with an average of about 253,000 viewers each week.

But for 2009, ESPN has gone with a flexible broadcast schedule for the MLS Game of the Week, with games being broadcast on four different days during the course of the season.

ESPN executives expect that this flexibility in the schedulewill allow the network to air more matches including the league's marquee teams. The schedule change will also allow ESPN to give MLS matches better lead-in programming.

The players themselves have also found that ESPN can give them some decent exposure. For any fan of football, not just MLS, Jimmy Conrad's semi-regular columnon ESPN Soccernet is a must-read. His submissions expose Rio Ferdinand's cheap rip-off of 'Punk'd' for what it is...er, a cheap rip-off of 'Punk'd'.

Television revenue, air time, web space...any fan would consider these good things, and I love ESPN for it. But, we still have a long way to go.

The commentating for most matches is downright terrible. We can't expect perfection from the network that, during the 2006 World Cup, claimed that the Netherlands played "a modified 4-4-2, with three guys up front," but we should be getting better than Alexi Lalas and a sideline reporter who doesn't come from a footballing background.

Hey Lalas, suiting up briefly for Padova, then running the LA Galaxy in the ground doesn't qualify you to wax philosophical about the state of the league.

For the primetime broadcasts, we should be getting no worse than JP Dellacamera and Eric Wynalda.

Dellacamera is a very good play-by-play guy with 30 years of experience, and Wynalda always has something entertaining or insightful to add to a broadcast. It's rarely worth listening to the commentary if those two aren't working.

It's also kind of ridiculous that ESPN can only find enough time in their schedule to broadcast one match per week. I've seen their weekend programming, and it seems like they could easily find something to bump.

I know the primetime broadcasts have had poor ratings, but I've got to imagine that there are more fans of professional soccer in the US than there are fans of professional bowling.

So bump the Sunday afternoon PBA broadcast to Classic or the Deuce, and give us another MLS match. The league almost always has a Sunday afternoon match already on the schedule, it's just a matter of giving it some more exposure.

While the Champions League is in full swing, ESPN somehow finds time to bring us two matches per week on its family of networks. Four, if you count the tape-delayed broadcasts on ESPN Classic.

I find it hard to believe that ESPN couldn't work in one more MLS broadcast. We could even compromise and go back to one match per week at the end of the season, when the league is competing with college football for attention.

Unfortunately, those gripes pale in comparison to the third and final complaint. I'm talking of course about the bane of my existence, in-game Sportscenter updates.

At least once per match, ESPN finds it necessary to relegate the MLS match to a tiny square off to the side of the screen while Sportscenter butts in to update us on a completely unrelated sporting event. I'm sorry, but that's what halftime and the Bottom Line are for.

One of the best things about watching a soccer match on television in the lack of commercial interruption. While ESPN isn't interrupting for a commercial, that seems like it's only a small step from these in-game updates.

While I dearly appreciate all that ESPN has done for MLS, I don't think any sane football fan would complain if they stepped up their broadcasting game even a little bit.

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“How do you describe magic? How do you describe this? It’s virtually impossible. Roman applauds, the ball’s dished off for Tevez, Tevez is begging for it back, Messi sees, I see you mate!, I don’t need you, watch it, perfect pass by Tevez, Tevez is on for the square ball for the tap in, Lionel says no, I fancy a little bit of Roman in the night.

"He picks one out of Riquelme’s genius book. Messi produces the rainbow and there’s a pot of gold at the end of it, that is absolutely pure class in a glass.”

-Ray 'Rocky' Hudson (commentating on his own commentary it seems at first)

Where were you when you first heard Ray Hudson's commentary? A smoky bar in Ecuador? On a television monitor at the side of the bar in an airport lounge? Maybe like me, at home sipping coffee in an armchair on Youtube.

Wherever you were and whenever it was, Ray Hudson has brought tears of laughter to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of people around the world.

Why? Because he is a legend. He is quite simply, the funniest, most enthusiastic and entertaining man in commentary today (I challenge someone to suggest a more entertaining commentator in any sport).

The Geordie accent, a vocabulary set worthy of Shakespeare in his prime, an in-depth knowledge of irrelevant pop culture references, or just sheer 'orgasmatic' excitement whenever the beautiful game is played.... 

This guy was born to be a football commentator. 

Today, as GOLTV's colour commentator alongside his straight-talking sidekick 'Pablo', Ray Hudson has made waves in the traditionally backwater side of the Atlantic (in football terms). The irony/injustice is of course that hardly anyone knows about him in Europe, the centre of the footballing world.

In fact that the Geordie first started his football career in the one of the most traditional of footballing cathedrals, St. James Park, Newcastle.

Unfortunately however, Ray had a relatively uninspiring playing career. 'Rocky' made only 40 appearances at his hometown club before he later moved to play in the USA and eventually manage, somewhat successfully there.

But thankfully his real genius was starting to show through in his off the pitch activity and press conferences as coach of Miami Fusion and D.C. United.

His quips, quotes and wit were greedily gobbled up by the small soccer press there. Famously, he hilariously once said "someone get me a blindfold and cigarette" shortly before he was sacked in his last managerial post at D.C.

Could anyone imagine Rafael Benitez or Arsene Wenger ever saying something like that if they were about to get fired?!

Ray Hudson is the exact thing fans need at the moment. A comedian cum commentator should be worth his weight in goldust in these tough times and I for one would scream like a little girl if I ever heard him commentating on an otherwise rubbish Stoke vs. Blackburn game on Sky (I'd probably record the commentary and put it on my ipod)

How did Britain allow its greatest commentator end up on an obscure Latino PPV satellite channel in the US?! (HOW?!) GOLTV fans must be the luckiest in the world and here I am putting up with Trevor Francis and Jim Beglin wek to week.

Any man that uses the phrase 'like a Jedi knight' or “It wouldn’t get any more exciting here now if Elvis himself showed up in a matador’s outfit” is a legend in my book. But then again Ray would disagree and probably tell me to 'roll my book up and smoke it'.

See more Rocky quotes here, the guy is sensational! Also, I strongly suggest Youtube, there's a plethora of videos there you gotta see before you die!

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I don't consider myself to be a philosopher, although sometimes I sit quietly in the lotus position rubbing my big Buddha belly and philosophize.

I think for hours on end about many of life's imponderable questions.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Is the Pope German?

If a bear craps in the woods and there's no one there to smell it, does it have a scent?

My mother and your mother hung out the clothes. My mother punched your mother right in the nose, what color was the BLOOD? 

Even Who's on First and How Did the Chicken cross the road?

I've been able to answer most of them in the following way...Yes.

The others I've been able to answer R-E-D and he was stapled to the rooster.

Recently, I was presented the most imponderable of all imponderables by The Bleacher Report Community Leader Coordinator (a promotion from Chief Cook and Bottle Washer) Dave Morrison, when I petitioned to become the Community Leader of the WPS.

"If a Community has no members", I pondered. "Is it still a Community?

You see, The Women's Professional Soccer League has recently been hatched by the marketing geniuses who believe that  their league can succeed where most have dared not tread. Only two weeks after the WPS gave birth to a bouncing baby league, seven teams from coast to coast find themselves with the daunting task of learning to run.

Like Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, and Sally Ride, these 100 plus women have put history upon their backs and are carrying the torch of the Women's Pro Soccer League.

Being a man who has had more than his share of experience in putting women on their backs (sorry, couldn't resist) I have decided to join them on their ride. I've decided to man the co-pilot seat on the bus they are riding.

And so, I ran (unopposed) in hopes of becoming the First Bleacher Report Community Leader in League History.

I waited on AIM for days, much like I was sitting in the Virtual Waiting Room prior to my children's births.

I chewed my nails and paced the floor of the kitchen in much the same way that Thomas Dewey did before he defeated Eisenhower.

And then it came. An email from the Coordinators of All Community Leaders, Big and Small. I was hand selected. Appointed. I am again One of the Chosen People.

I feel a bit like Latvia sitting next to China at the United Nations, but at least I'm not the former USSR. I exist. My Nation is recognized.

I set up my office and carefully positioned a folding card chair in front of my desk. On the door, I hung a sign which I crafted from tan construction paper and emblazoned with thick bold letters written in black magic marker.

It reads Todd M. Civin  Community Leader of Women's Professional Soccer

It's lonely here. I have to admit.

I didn't realize the size of the chunk I had bitten off until I logged on this morning and saw the sign in big bold white letters.

"The Community Has 0 Members"

I looked at it and stared. I've always been an over achiever. After I ran my first 5K, I decided to run a marathon. And after I drove up Mtn Washington in my car, I decided to enter the 6.7 mile up hill race. Running.

And when asked to raise some money for Muscular Dystrophy I opted to sleep on a scaffolding for 48 hours outside of my Service Merchandise Store in an effort to shatter all previous records.

But now, I've decided to do something that seems so much more challenging. I've became ruler of a Nation that has no inhabitants. I feel a bit like Pat Paulsen did when he opted to run for the President of the United States for the first time.

I feel a little bit like a Yodeler standing on the edge of a canyon and shouting Hello...hello..hello...hello...hel...

I truly have the same feeling in my gut when I sitting Shiva after a death in the Jewish religion and waiting for a minion (See page 34 on Judaism 101...This is where I got the info).

I called my Mom and Dad to brag about my new appointment. "Hey Mommy and Daddy", I said still hoping for parental approval. "I was appointed...no named...no Elected by a jury of my peers to be Community Leader of the Women's Soccer Page on Bleacher Report."

I puffed my chest up big. I smiled ear to ear and I waited for Mom and Dad to respond.

I waited for Mom and Dad to respond.

I waited for Mom and Dad to respond.

"Good, Todd," they replied in unison. "And how much does this job pay?" they asked as if somehow being annoyed by my lack of employment.

"No pay. This is for exposure," I responded as all 6,000 of us Bleacher Report writers are brainwashed to respond...(Gotta Drink the Kool-Aid...Zander is God).

"Exposure?" Dad inquired in a mocking tone of voice. "Exposure and $2.19 will buy you a cup of Coffee at Dunkin Donuts", he added.

I slammed the phone down, as I do when my parents don't support my many career choices, and went back to my lap top with a sudden enhanced thirst to succeed.

And then I saw it. Again.

The Community Has 0 Members

And The Pope Is German...

And The Bear's Poop Has No Smell...

And Who is indeed the Name of the Guy on First Base...

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Spartak Moscow 0 - Dynamo Moscow 3 (Russian Cup, April 15, 2009) The Russian Cup represented Spartak’s last possible entry into the Europa Cup next season but, having begun the new season with just one win in four games, and then being swept aside at home by Dinamo in their quarter-final, coach Michael Laudrup was given the boot.

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Hacken 4 - IFK Gothenburg 1 (Allsvenskan, April 15, 2009) Paulinho, Josef Karlsson, and a Mathias Ranegie double gave Hacken the win.

Halmstad 0 - Brommapojkarna 1 (Allsvenskan, April 15, 2009) Joakim Runnemo struck the winner in the 65th minute to send Brommapojkarna to the top of the table.

Djurgarden 0 - Gefle 0 (Allsvenskan, April 15, 2009)

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Brondby 3 - Aalborg BK 3 (Elkstra Bladet Cup, April 15, 2009) Anders Randrup headed in at the back post to give Brondby the lead on 10 minutes, 12 minutes later Kasper Risgard fired in an equaliser. Eight minutes before the break Randrup gave Brondby the lead again, showing some fine attacking instincts again for a right back.

Just after the hour mark Luton Shelton levelled things up with a fine turn and flick only for the home side to claim a third through Jan Kristiansen three minutes later. Former Wigan midfielder Andreas Johansson had the last word with Aalborg’s third equaliser of the match.

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Dinamo Bucharest 4 - Rapid Bucharest 2 (Romanian Cup, April 15, 2009)

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Red Star Belgrade 4 - Sartid Smederevo 1 (Serbian Cup, April 15, 2009) Cleo and Milijas both struck braces for Red Star.

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"A four-year contract adds longevity to my career," Smith said. "It's been great playing for Arsenal, they've been really good to me and it's a wrench to leave. But they've got more than enough quality to still be the best team in the country.

The Breakers obtained her WPS playing rights with the second overall pick in the WPS Initial International Draft.

As an international star, Smith led England to the 2007 FIFA Women's World Cup quarterfinals scoring four goals in the tournament.  She began her career at 16, joining the England National team in 1995.

In 2009, Smith scored with 13 minutes left in a match between England and Spain, which ended in a 2-2 draw. Her performance earned England a place in the Euro Championships 2009 in Finland.

She scored a hat-trick against Holland in World Cup qualifiers in 2006, which caused Dutch coach Vera Pauw, to utter his claim of Smith as the World's top player. She scored four goals in the 2007 World Cup in China for England.

The striker has been awarded the Women’s International Player of the Year title in 2005 and a Member of the Order of the British Empire (MBE) in 2008.

For her career with England she has scored 33 goals in 76 international matches for England.

Smith was originally drafted in 2000 by the Philadelphia Charge of the Women's United Soccer Association, the now defunct predecessor to the WPS. She played for the Charge until 2003 before becoming part of the New Jersey Wildcats. 

Her most memorable stint has been with Arsenal Ladies,  where she was instrumental in helping her team clinch the Premier League title in 2004-05 season and then repeated her performance in 2006-2007, scoring 29 goals.  Overall, for the Arsenal Ladies she tallied 100 goals in 112 matches.

In 2008, Smith was a finalist for the FIFA Women's World Player of the Year award.

"I couldn't earn anywhere near to what I'll be getting in WPS if I stayed in this country. But it's not just about money. It's about playing with and against the best players in the world, training every day, and everything else that goes with being a professional footballer."

The Breakers next game is Saturday, April 18 at 7 p.m. in Germantown, MD against the Washington Freedom. Their next home game will take place on May 2 at 7 p.m. against the Los Angeles Sol.

All home games are played at historic Harvard Stadium. Tickets are available online. For groups over 20 please call 1-781-251-2100.

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