There's never a dull moment when Total 90 is involved! We've got retirements, transfers, injury news and Kanye West—no, not really.

Toronto FC striker Danny Dichio, who bears more than a slight resemblance to Beldar from The Coneheads, has officially retired from football with six matches remaining in the MLS season. Dichio had originally intended to retire at the end of the season, but has decided to hang up his boots a little early.

Dichio scored the first goal in Toronto FC history, and has been immortalized in song by the club's fans, who sing in his honor during the 24th minute of every match. No, that isn't a joke; it's a wonderful gesture of devotion by a proud bunch of Canadians.

Just as Toronto says goodbye to a fan favorite, they welcome another. Canadian international Julian De Guzman has signed with the club after spending four seasons in Spain with Deportivo La Coruna.

De Guzman's contract at Deportivo ended on June 30, and Toronto has snapped up the free agent. He and his afro will be eligible to play for Toronto this weekend, pending international clearance.

US international defender and popular target of fan abuse Heath Pearce has signed with FC Dallas. Prior to the move, Pearce had been relegated to the Hansa Rostock reserve squad, and hasn't been able to crack the lineup for any of the US National Team's recent matches.

Darren Huckerby's season in San Jose has ground to an unceremonious halt. He has only made 14 appearances for the club in 2009, and underwent hip surgery last Friday, officially putting an end to his 2009 campaign. The fan favorite might even be done with MLS for good, with his contract up in December and a possible return to Norwich on the books.

We've said it before, and will surely say it again—MLS teams need to turn to young talent from this hemisphere rather than giving aging European players one last shot at trophies.

Jermaine Jones, the Schalke midfielder slated to join the U.S. National Team pool in the near future, has suffered an injury setback. Jones underwent surgery for a shin injury in June, but has continued to feel pain. Schalke's metrosexual manager Felix Magath has announced that player and club will decide on a course of action later this week.

While Jones may be going under the knife soon, a key cog in the US defense is returning from injury. Jay DeMerit, who made a massive impact at the Confederations Cup, will be returning to action in the Coca-Cola Championship for Watford this week. DeMerit picked up an unfortunate groin injury while training for the recent US matches against El Salvador and Trinidad and Tobago. Needless to say, he was sorely missed, pun intended.

MLS Stat of the Week

In a desperate, shameless attempt to broaden the appeal of this second-rate football rag, we've decided to pander to the statisticians among us. You're welcome.

This week's stat comes to us from the Los Angeles-Dallas match on September 12th.

Los Angeles 3-6 FC Dallas

There have been 366 matches played in MLS so far this season. During those matches, 474 goals have been scored, for an anemic average of 1.29 goals per match.

Ouch.

This match obliterated that average. The teams combined for nine goals, nearly eight better than the league average. That's a pretty impressive output, and the fans surely appreciated the pyrotechnics.

What's more, this match featured two pairs of goals scored in consecutive minutes. Dallas took a 2-0 lead thanks to a Jeff Cunningham goal in the 25th minute, but LA equalized in the 26th through a Jair Benitez own goal. In the 82nd minute, Dallas went up 4-2 through Atiba Harris, and extended the lead in the 83rd minute thanks to David Ferreira.

Where did this offensive explosion come from?

It's also worth noting that this hasn't been the first goal-fest that Dallas was involved in this season. Earlier in the summer, Total 90 was present at the Dallas-Real Salt Lake match that ended 4-2 after a second half hat-trick by super-sub Yura Movsisyan.

With performances like these, it's no wonder that Dallas is tied for the league lead in goals scored, and has the second-worst defensive record as well.

Read more MLS news on BleacherReport.com

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